The weekend.

Yesterday we had a long talk with Brandon's parents about wedding stuff. We went over what we thought the cost of some things are going to be, when we need a final list of who all needs an invitation, who's going to be in the wedding party, etc. It was kind of fun, but I think I'm finally starting to feel a little wedding related stress. There's a lot to get done, and much of it has to be done pretty soon, like booking a photographer and ordering flowers. We need to pick out what food we want for the reception, and decide where we're having the rehearsal dinner, and mail the invitations, and a lot of other stuff. There's a lot to do, but it can be done, I'm sure. I still have, what, five months? Ugh.

On an unrelated note, my stomach has been very upset since late last night, and I'm having some issues. I'm not anxious, I just feel pretty nasty, and I'm not looking forward to working tonight. I need to print some stuff off for school, too. I am working with friendly people, however, so hopefully things won't be too bad. If you think of it, say a prayer for me. I'd really like to be able to eat a little something some time tonight without feeling terrible afterwards. I don't dare eat anything before work, though.

Speaking of prayer, Stellan could use some right about now. Stellan is a little boy in Minnesota with heart problems. He is a miracle baby. And his story is really cool (people all over the world have taken pictures of his name. Maybe it will be made into a book some day.) Stellan's story has gained some fame both at home and abroad. He has been doing well since July 4th but this weekend he was put in the hospital and things don't look good. I was really worried something terrible would happen in the night, and I know I wasn't the only one. Earlier today he was flown to a hospital in Boston, where he can get special treatment. This is good news and bad. It's good because earlier they were thinking he might not be well enough to make the trip, but it's bad because it means he's in really bad shape. Please pray for little Stellan, and for his family (he has three brothers and sisters all aged four and under, and two parents who love him very much and are really stressed out right now.)

Weren't we supposed to dye my hair today?

*I've decided to tweet the entire Harry Potter series. I am now on page two. And I have all the chapter art so I can change my userpic to match the chapter I am relaying.

*I get really bored sometimes.

*I forgot to take my reflux medicine this morning but thought I would be OK without it since I took a Zantac at midnight last night. You know, the Zantac I'm not supposed to have to take because I have prescription reflux medication. However...I feel awful. My esophagus is on fire and I'm a little nauseous. I took another Zantac. It's not helping.

*Feeling bad is making me fidgety and undecisive. I can't focus. I tried playing my game, watching TV, buzzing around online... and the nasty feeling I have is distracting me from all that.

*I'm kind of sleepy.

*I work three nights this week plus all day Saturday.

*Saturday is the summer reading finale. This is bittersweet. On one hand, we get sno-cones and it marks the end of the craziest time of the year. On the other, next are the first few weeks of school and those are busy as well. Also Saturday is going to be INSANE. But...we've had fewer kids participate than in years past. I find that odd because it gives parents a free way to distract their kids (important during these economic times, in addition to the fact that libraries around the country are seeing upswings in circulation because people can't afford to buy books...) and they get free stuff (a backpack with passes to the planetarium, some sports games, free ice cream, etc.)

*My esophagus really hurts.

*Brandon got a letter saying he probably didn't pass his actuarial exam. Apparently he was not super surprised by this, he just didn't relay that to me. I am rather depressed about it.



I think that's all I have to say for now.

Hyperbole is my middle name.

You know what, my life is just horribly unfair. That's it. And I'm tired of it.

The unfair part. Not, you know, life.

I wish that the things you type had some kind of accenting feature when you are practically stabbing the keys on the keyboard because you are so angry. Or, I am so angry. You know what I meant.

So remember how I said I called Brandon? And how I was worried and just wanted to talk to him? Well guess what. He apparently called like two minutes after I called him. Only AT&T is the dumbest company in the world and poisons customers' phones so as soon as the warranty is up they stop receiving calls and can't hardly ever get a signal if they need one and also their voice mails arrive A WEEK LATE. The phone didn't ring. I waited and waited and the phone didn't ring.
I get off the computer about 25 minutes after calling Brandon, and go to set the alarm on my phone- because I am expecting to be very tired in the morning and probably won't hear my alarm clock by itself. And I see it: ONE MISSED CALL.

My life is unfair.

I called back and he's already turned his phone off. So maybe I possibly started talking to my phone (and AT&T) in a loud and angry manner. And possibly also at this point I was crying. OK, sobbing. And I guess someone heard me because mom called me to ask what was wrong. OK, AT&T, put THAT call through but not the one I really wanted (no offense, mom.) I know she thinks I'm being stupid but I don't care. I freaking hate AT&T and apparently they work better than pretty much any other provider. Which is pretty sad, if you ask me, because THEY ARE HORRIBLE . And some day, when some other, better cell phone service company comes along, and I switch to them, I will sit down and write AT&T the angriest angry letter they have ever received, full of angry, multi-syllable words that they will have to have a dictionary to understand. A pox on their houses. I hate them all.

So now we have pretty much guaranteed that it will be HOURS until I can go to sleep, because now I am crying and very upset and not so tired anymore. Also my stomach hurts now. My life is very unfair.

I know I'm being dumb but I don't care. I have been this way for years, and while I haven't always had someone I wanted to call just in case I kicked the bucket in the middle of the night (I'm charmingly paranoid about these things) I do now and I'm mad because I can't get a hold of him. I'm mad because the phone didn't even beep to tell me I'd missed a call. It was like it was keeping that information from me on purpose, and just to spite me, when I opened the phone and went under the menu thing to set the alarm, it just happened to remember that someone had called for me a long time ago, and wouldn't I like to call them back now that they won't answer? Curse you, little pink phone. I hate you sometimes. Like now.

I don't even have a voicemail to listen to. Or maybe I do, I just won't get it until the middle of next week.

I'm mad. And I'm pouting and I'm starting to ramble.

Do me a favor. If I die in my sleep tonight, from a heart attack or a ruptured spleen or Ebola or whatever, somebody please, please find out where the CEO of AT&T lives and throw eggs at his house. And say something mean about them in my obituary, too.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And just so you know, I wrote six HUGE paragraphs about why going to the doctor is not only unnecessary but also has generally been a waste of my time during my entire life. But I cut them out. Maybe I'll post them another time. Anyway, I'm going to go get in bed and read since, as I said, it will be a long time before I will be able to sleep. At least I've stopped crying. Sort of.

I'm tired.

Wow, it has been...days since I posted.

Things have been OK. I am having a lot of trouble sleeping. It's making me tired during the day. Also my hips have been hurting a lot lately. But my tummy's been OK, and I haven't had any problems with my anxiety. That's nice. I still get a little nervous before work, but I think that's more because I'm afraid that I will have some mild issue and, I don't know, spend two minutes in the bathroom and get in trouble. It's frustrating. But things have been fine, honestly. I work a little longer day tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to that, but whatever.

Anyway, part of the reason I'm up now is because I'm having a fluttery feeling in my chest. I'm pretty sure it's blood sugar related (not being able to sleep lately has had me a bit off). And I've had it before, but it's kind of scary sometimes when I'm the only one up, and whatnot. It's stupid but whenever I feel weird in the middle of the night I always call Brandon. Ever since I was little and saw some commercials and TV shows about things like heart attacks and appendicitis I can sometimes go a little overboard caring about a funny feeling or a twinge of pain in my side. It's dumb, I know. I'll be the first to admit it. But I still feel funny, and it's still the middle of the night, and I'm still alone. I called Brandon and his phone rang, which means he's probably up, but he didn't answer. It could be that he forgot to turn his phone off. Or he could be taking a shower or doing chores or something, and not have his phone with him. Still...I wish he'd call back. I'd probably feel a little better.

Nothing really to report on the job front, speaking of Brandon. Well, he's pretty much got that temp job lined up but it's like 25 hours a week and it's just office work. Nothing in his field. Still, we will take what we can get.

I think I might try to sleep again. Hopefully I will feel better soon. I'm not optimistic, though. And I need a Kleenex. Just FYI.

Oops. Again.

Ugh, I feel awful.
For one, I could not sleep last night. I remember it turning 2:45. Maybe I fell asleep after that, maybe I just stopped looking at the clock. I have no idea why I couldn't sleep. I know some time after midnight my chest was feeling funny, and that probably kept me awake. I know some time after 1 I got up and got some ice chips because my reflux was bothering me so my stomach was a little upset. Well, then I had my alarm set for 8:30 so I could have time this morning to get up and do what I needed to do, and I jerked awake at a few minutes till 10. I guess I turned my alarm off? I didn't want to get up this late, because I have to wait a while after getting up to eat, and I had actually planned on eating "lunch" around 10 or 10:30. Now I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I will probably leave around noon or 1 p.m. to go run my very brief errands on the way to Brandon's house. I'm really rather nervous about this evening.
I think I will go lie back down and rest a little bit. Hopefully I won't fall asleep. But my stomach's being weird, and my head hurts. I don't really feel like being upright right now.

Everybody's working for the weekend...except me!

It was nice to have the day off today. I'm sure it will be nice to have the day off tomorrow. I have to admit, though, I am kind of worried about it. Tomorrow is Brandon's cousin's wedding. I'll be expected to, you know, eat. But I've had a good week, and I've felt fine most of the time, so I think that will help. Brandon expects me to come over to his house really early tomorrow- like, in the morning. Even though the wedding is at 5:30. I think I will probably stay home until early afternoon, though, because I have some things to do and I would like to spend some time at home before heading off for all that adventure. Plus I have to pick up my medicine in the morning since I neglected to do so today. Also I left all my ice at work. And I need to go get my ice containers so they don't freeze up too much before Monday.
We are still waiting to hear back about the two jobs Brandon has applied for. And that's all I'm going to say about that because I am antsy and frustrated (not with him, mind you.)
And...I think that's about it. This is supposedly my 200th post. That's a lot. I half-heartedly tried to find a nifty survey to post, but there weren't any good ones floating around facebook. So...yeah #200. Here is a commemorative quick and boring post. I think I'm ready for bed.

It was always burning since the world was turning...

I think I'm on track for having an ok week. Well, at least when it comes to my stomach, anxiety, etc.
Yesterday we went to Rebecca's to see my dress (since it came in like, a month ago) and shoes and veil. My dress is awesome! I want to wear it all the time. And the shoes look perfect with it (mom has some pictures on her blog.) They accidentally sent like a jeweled headband thing instead of my veil, though, so they're sending it back and they'll get the right one in soon, hopefully. Then after that we went to the fruit market and I got some really amazing gouda and pecan spread. It's yummy. I plan on eating more of it later. Work went fine last night, too. I felt fine, even though it was a slightly longer day than usual. After tonight I'm done for the week, which is cool. My boss mentioned earlier in the week that she was jealous that I had the weekend off (which pretty much never happens, as I always work Saturdays- I guess because no one else wants to. Even when I'm out of school, expect to see me working on Saturdays.) I told her that working four nights in a row (which NO ONE ever does) isn't really a picnic. She said she hadn't thought of that. Hopefully next time she schedules me to have a weekend off, she'll think of it. Because it's exhausting.
Today Brandon took his first actuarial exam. I'm sure he did well. He always does. Hopefully we will soon hear something about that open job position I wrote about a few weeks ago. He's working on getting another job lined up with a temp agency, too. This of course is our second choice, in the long run, but it is full-time (we need the money) and it has benefits (he needs the insurance.) I have never known a temp before. I told him I was going to start calling him "Temp", a la The Office, and then I started singing "Brandon started the fire!" (If you haven't seen The Office you won't understand any of that, but trust me, it's hilarious.)
And now I think I'm going to take myself a nap. Even though I didn't fall asleep until late last night, and I woke up briefly at 7 a.m., I still slept until almost 10. I don't know why I'm so tired. It might be the allergy medicine, but that doesn't explain why it's so hard for me to wake up in the morning. It might be because it's so hot and warmth makes me sleepy. I don't know. I did some shopping this morning and it's hot outside and I don't have air conditioning, so I'm pretty sure that's part of the reason why I'm tired right now. Oh well.

Briefly.

I thought for the most part today was great. I've felt fine all day, no tummy troubles, no anxiety. I even worked a really long shift at work without any problems. But some stuff happened at work that depressed me and I don't want to talk about it. So I will just say I am thankful that I felt good today, and hey, let's keep it up tomorrow, Jesus. Ok?

"It's...baconlettuceandpotato." -Rose Nylund

Yesterday ended kind of surprisingly. The day ended up getting worse. I of course started feeling sick around an hour before I went to work. Fifteen minutes before I was supposed to leave I put down my book and started getting my stuff together to leave. I filled one pocket with mints, and went to get my little book of Bible verses. It wasn't on my nightstand where it normally is. I looked around on the desk, in my purse, and in the bag I had taken to Brandon's on Sunday. Still no notebook. I got down on the floor and looked under the bed (which, of course, made my black dress pants covered in dog hair...) No notebook. I called mom, starting to freak out a little, because I was starting to believe that this was a sign I would get sick at work that night. After a few minutes of running around I remembered a post I did in June with a bunch of my favorite verses from my little notebook. I could print it out! Problem solved, right? So I tell Jonathan to get off the computer in the kitchen because I had to print something very important. I now had ten minutes before I had to leave. Jonathan had been playing his game on the computer, and that made it run INCREDIBLY slow. Like, I was amazed. And yelling at the computer. And yeah, I cried a little. I was stressed and incredibly worried and by the time the printer finally spit out my piece of paper, I was two minutes later than I wanted to be leaving the house. Then on the way out the door I couldn't find my keys. They had fallen down behind the little table by the front door. More crawling on the floor, more dog hair. I get outside and it's incredibly hot. I still don't have air conditioning in my car. Within two minutes I'm feeling gross because it's so hot. And then it took more than fifteen minutes getting to work because traffic was bad and everyone was driving slow and we hit every red light. When I finally got to work, it wasn't early. What was the point of leaving the house half an hour early to read and take medicine and calm down if I wasn't going to get there until a few minutes before time to work?
Things went kind of ok at work. For almost an hour I was feeling gross. I stayed calm, but I had to take three doses of this anti-nausea medicine I had and I had to leave the desk a few times. Kelli even showed up at the library and I was still feeling bad when she was there. Eventually, though, around 6:30 I felt better. Kelli stayed for a really long time and I gave her a tour of the Dewey decimal system. The fact that she visited helped make up for the fact that my aunt and cousin didn't get to come up and visit me (they weren't able to get a flight until this morning). Which, when I found out, made me really upset because it was just one more thing that went wrong in a short span of time.
And so we arrive at this morning. I work from 1:30-9. Grosssss. I don't know why my schedule is this wacky this week: unbelievably pointless short evening, excruciatingly long day. Ew. I've gotten to the point where I hate long days. I used to try to have as many long days as possible during the summer, so I'd only work like, three days a week. But now I'd rather have short days, because I don't have to be there so long. I'm actually pretty nervous about this afternoon and evening. But I digress. I tried getting up before 8 a.m. so I could have more time before I went to work. I kept resetting the alarm though, and didn't get up until a quarter til 10. Wow. I don't know what gets into me sometimes, I just feel like I'm slipping in and out of a coma and I can't wake up. And of course now it's almost 11, which means there's only two hours until I have to leave for work, and I won't get back home again for a really long time. There goes my day...it's pretty sad.
I'd better get off here because I'm pretty sure there are some things I'm supposed to be doing. But I don't remember what they are so I should probably call mom and find out. If you think about it, say a prayer for me this afternoon, because like I said, I really am worried about working for so long tonight.

Don't you wonder sometimes 'bout sound and vision?

It's not even noon and I've kind of written off today. I set my alarm for 7:30, thinking if I wanted more sleep I could hit snooze until 8. I ended up sleeping fitfully through the night, and waking up before 7 feeling sick (surprise). I woke up, got a few ice chips, went to the bathroom, and then went back to lay down. I ended up getting up a little after 9, I think. It's hard to remember because mom came in to talk to me about the air conditioning thing being frozen, and I needed to get up and turn it back on and go outside and see if the thing was frozen. After I took care of all that it turned out that it was probably still frozen on the inside some, so I had to turn the air conditioning back off again. Which meant that my room got really hot (it's always like, 5-10 degrees hotter in my room than the rest of the house.) Then I decided to eat lunch for breakfast a little before 10. I had some chips and queso left over from Friday. They went ok Friday, but apparently not today, because I have a really bad stomach ache now. And I've been dealing with it for half an hour. It's making me very fidgety. Lie down, try to read, get up, get some ice, back to bed, sit up and read, get up, go to the bathroom, repeat. It's annoying. And...it hurts. And I'm not happy about it. I hope things go ok at work tonight. Maybe that's part of the reason I don't feel well. Maybe I've already started worrying about tonight. I'm not working very long, and I'm really looking forward to my aunt and cousin visiting me, but I'm also thinking about how I felt fine on Saturday up until late that afternoon and I got really sick. Even though I worked through it and stayed at work, it was pretty horrible and embarrassing and stressful. And I'm not happy about the fact that I was away from the desk for so long. I don't want to get in trouble. I'm so paranoid....
Anyway. The only reason I'm posting is because I wanted to try to keep calm since my stomach's upset. It's sort of working. But I still feel nasty. Ugh. I'm tired of it. It's not quite time to take another Benadryl but I might have to. I have no idea why my allergies are so bad- they're usually at their worst in the spring. I can't ever remember having this much trouble in the summer, or for so long. It's bizarre. And annoying. And it makes me sick to my stomach.

Last night I made myself a to-do list. I need to take a shower before work, take out my trash (the dogs keep getting into it), take back a bunch of library books, cut Polo's hair, and I needed to wash towels, because I found a bunch of them at the bottom of my hamper. I can't wash the towels because with the air conditioning being dumb, it would heat up the house too much. My library books are ready to go. Right now I'm too tired to take a shower, and I've kind of stopped caring about the rest. I think I will go ahead and take that other Benadryl and maybe take a nap. Isn't that dumb? Taking a nap not too long after one woke up in the first place?

I'm ready for dinner.

What an interesting weekend it's been. Things have been fine, for the most part, except for a span of about an hour Saturday afternoon. After I got off work I came home and waited for Brandon to come over. He was running late, and when I called him (three times) he didn't answer. Then I get a call from an unknown local number, and it's him. He locked his keys in his car at the gas station and walked all the way down to the AutoZone by my house to call me so I could drive him back up there to wait for his mom (whom he had also called), as she was bringing a spare key. Did I mention my car still doesn't have air conditioning? We waited for about twenty minutes or so in the gas station parking lot with the windows rolled down and the moon roof open and it was still icky. But it could have been worse. After all that we went back to my house, ate dinner and watched two movies. Then Brandon went home and I fell asleep.
I slept kind of late this morning (accidentally) and went over to Brandon's house a little later. As we didn't really have any movies to watch, we just watched about...six or seven episodes of Joan of Arcadia. We are almost finished with the first season. Sadly there is only one to go after that. We are at the point in the series where things stopped being quite so original and thought provoking, and the show begins to center around teenage drama. It was still a good show- much better than most of the shows on TV today geared toward the same audience. But still. It was sad to see it go.
This week I work four nights in a row (no comment) and have the weekend off for Brandon's cousin's wedding on Saturday. Hopefully things will go well at work. I work two short nights (short enough that it's kind of weird bothering to come in to work at all) and two very looooong days. Those I'm not too excited about. But this week will have its bright spots. My aunt and cousin are coming in from Georgia and I'm very excited to be seeing them. Brandon takes his first actuarial exam on Thursday (prayers are requested, please) and taking one of these exams will greatly improve his chances of getting a good job. It's a long process, though. The way I understand it, one doesn't generally finish ALL the exams until about ten years before one is ready to retire...but still. Your salary increases with each exam you pass, and a lot of companies will pay for study material and stuff. That's kind of neat.
And...that's about it. I need to go shopping sometime this week for some school supplies for the backpack drive at church. Last year Kelli and I bought a bunch of brand new backpacks at Target for around $3 a piece, because it was end-of-season clearance. Our church is collecting new backpacks, with some basic school supplies (like pencils and glue sticks and folders) this weekend and next. So I'd better get on the ball. These things have been in my closet for almost a year and I'll be glad to send them off on their way to some kids who need them. Also sometime this week I HAVE to find something for Brandon's cousin. There are still some reasonably priced muffin pans left on one of her registries. Maybe I'll find the time to go pick them up sometime this week. Otherwise we'll have to go the gift card route.

I might be dull.

After a not-so-happy night and not getting to sleep until almost 3 a.m. (not because I was feeling sick or anything) I had a really good day today. I slept kind of late, but then when I got up I actually got some stuff done, which included leaving the house (yay, me!) I went to Half Price Books to sell a set of books I bought at work, along with some other random things. This set of books sells for an average of $89.99 on eBay. For everything I sold today, I got $11.00. Wow. Depressing. I didn't think I'd get as much as the eBay asking price, but I figured at least $20 for the set of books alone. I was planning on buying dinner with it. I spent almost all the money I got on children's paperbacks for the library (I got 18 of them for about five dollars, and I got myself a two dollar Gryffindor notebook. Also, I'd like to point out that blogger recognizes "Gryffindor" as an actual word and doesn't do that little squiggly red underline thing.)
After that I went to LifeWay to visit mom for a moment and look for a wedding gift for Brandon's cousin. I was thinking a nice picture frame or something similar. No offense LifeWay, but all the wedding stuff you have right now is really ugly. And/or tacky. Anyway. I didn't get anything. I'm out of ideas so I guess we'll get her a gift card. Then after that disappointing shopping trip I went home and ate some chicken fingers for lunch. Then cleaned my room. And Kelli came over and we watched Muppet Treasure Island and some other random stuff and had Qdoba for dinner. I haven't had any anxiety issues today, really, but I have had some trouble swallowing. Like I stopped eating lunch and dinner earlier than I expected because of this. And then I had a brief time of tummy trouble after dinner but it wasn't a big deal.
And now...I am exhausted and I'm going to bed. I work a full day tomorrow, and hopefully that will go smoothly. Then Brandon's meeting me after work and we're running to Wal-Mart to find a cd case (I don't know why he wants one all of a sudden but whatever) and coming home to watch a movie. I'm looking forward to that.

Polo says it's time for bed.

Tonight went fairly well. I was quite pleased. I left the house AN HOUR EARLY (much to my chagrin...) and headed off to Walgreen's to get this over the counter nausea medicine thing. Also I got some gum and Junior Mints. Then I went from there straight to work. I was twenty minutes early (traffic was kind of iffy and it took me longer than I thought it would at Walgreen's, so it was good that I left early.) I sat in the back and read for a while, and took some of this medicine. Let me pause to say that it worked well, but it was mainly sugar. Like, a serving is around 5 ml, and it says that 1.87 of that is dextrose and another huge percentage is fructose, then cherry flavoring and color and something else. I don't know why it's so sweet. Maybe all the sugar helps your stomach? Who knows. Anyway, it didn't taste bad, but it did taste strange. And even tough it wasn't strong like cough syrup, it still burned a little to swallow it because, well, it wasn't water. Everything but water seems to agitate my esophagus lately. But I digress.
I was feeling a little shaky for a half hour, then I started having trouble with my sinus drainage and sent mom a text message asking her if she could bring me some Sprite when she came up to the library. I knew it would burn like nobody's business going down, but I thought it might help to clear up all that stuff I was choking on. Of course, by the time she got there I didn't really need it anymore. I took a sip anyway and it hurt like crazy. Maybe I will never be able to drink sodas again...that makes me sad.
So after work I came home and ate some of this turkey roll-up thing I got at Wal-Mart earlier with Brandon, and I think I drank my ice water too fast because I'm not feeling so swell. Not bad, necessarily, but I'm having trouble swallowing and my stomach feels...iffy. We will see where this goes.
Brandon's work schedule got changed so now he's expecting me to come over tomorrow, except I already have plans. I have to go to Half Price Books and sell some stuff so I will have money to get us some dinner tomorrow night (Kelli is coming over), plus I'm tired of the big box of books being in the back of my car. Then I have to stop by LifeWay and get Brandon's cousin a wedding present (she is getting married next weekend and a lot of the stuff left on her registry is a tad bit out of my price range.) Then I have to come home and clean my room. My desk is a mess, I have to do laundry and vacuum, and I still haven't found the remote for my DVD player. And I'm sure that in there somewhere I will have to take a nap or three (I have been so tired lately!) We will see. Perhaps tonight I will get to feeling guilty enough about not only skipping out on the few hours we were supposed to spend together today (instead of watching our netflix movie, he had to take me to the doctor) but also not being with him tomorrow, and I just might end up paying him a visit. We will see. I'd really rather stay at home. Probably.
I am going to go make my bed and get some stuff ready for sleepy time (I have to take medicine! Yay. Benadryl, acid reducer, and probably some of that sugary nausea-fighting syrup). And my eyes are burning because they are tired.
All in all I am very thankful that I had such a good, trauma-free evening at work. And I pray that tomorrow (and Saturday, and so on and so forth) goes just as well. Minus the freaking out in the morning thing.

*grumble, grumble*

What a completely pointless trip.

Ok, maybe not pointless. I got my doctor's note. But the doctor I spoke to was pretty much no help. He didn't give me anything for my nausea. He said it was "good" I was taking Nexium, and provided no help when I told him that it wasn't working anymore (as I predicted would happen months ago.) He said I need to go back to taking Paxil for my anxiety (um, no. Thank you. I'd rather not be depressed and borderline suicidal, as Paxil tends to make people, me included.) He said he couldn't prescribe anything for me to help with my panic attacks. And he said I needed therapy (duh) and to contact my insurance company to find counselors in the area for my anxiety. Also, he wrote down some completely random medicine that I should be taking for my PCOS, and seemed surprised that I wasn't already on it. "Why?" he asked. Well, probably because my doctor didn't think I needed it. Then again, that doctor didn't warn me that the medicine he DID give me would basically ruin my life and take away almost five years worth of progress with my anxiety. *sigh*. I'm incredibly frustrated right now. Yes, I got my doctor's note, so I won't be in trouble at work. But still. I was counting on getting at least some nausea medicine. That was what had me semi-convinced that I would be ok at work tonight. Now my confidence has basically been thrown out the window. Nothing has changed from last night, so what's to stop me from going through that miserable experience all over again? This is what the evil, anxious parts of my brain are saying to me. And you know what? They have a point.

I was finally just able to choke down a Benadryl (sinus drainage!) and my reflux medicine (liquid fire running up and down my esophagus!) I wasn't able to do so this morning- I was panicking about going to the doctor. But now that I've taken them I think I'm going to lay down and take a nap until mom gets home for lunch. Then we'll call one of the *real* doctors and get an appointment. For sometime in the next few months....

I'd like a sedative, please. Now.

I'm waiting for Brandon to come and take me to the doctor.
I HATE going to the doctor (not as much as I hate going to the dentist, though). I don't know why. Well, for one thing, I hate tongue depressors, but I always tell them they don't have to use it and they're always able to check my throat without it. The last time I went to my regular doctor I was having my foot looked at, and my ear, to see if I still had an ear infection from last winter. I still got nervous. Why would I be nervous about someone looking at my foot?
Along the same line, why am I so nervous about going there today and saying "my stomach had been giving me fits for over a month now, my reflux medicine isn't working anymore, and last night I threw up at work so I need a doctor's note"? It's not like they can tell me anything's horribly wrong after just talking to me (for that I'll have to wait until I can go see the internist, or the gastrointerologist.)
So why am I on the verge of having a panic attack? I don't know, but it's dumb. My stomach is making weird noises. I could barely brush my teeth this morning because I felt like gagging, so I'm kind of dreading taking any medicine. We will have to wait and see. Brandon will be here in about half an hour. I have time to decide how badly I need to take a Benadryl.
Please pray for me today, that not only will I get to feeling good enough to go to work (and stay feeling good, since last night I felt fine until shortly after I got there), but that I will have a peaceful visit to the doctor's.

"Yeah, toast!" -Heywood Banks

I am still struggling. I'm getting very tired of fighting off panic. I'm sure that what happened earlier was related to my reflux, and that I'm not *really* sick, but I feel bad and as time goes on I am getting more and more anxious. It's dumb. I'm tired of it. Did I say that already?

Things are getting to the point where I'm having more and more trouble concentrating, which is normally not a good sign. I'm doing my best to remain in control, though. I'm working on trying to eat a piece of toast (my stomach is completely empty and my blood sugar is beginning to go a little off, and I tried to eat some applesauce but it tasted bad. That might have just been because I've gone through so many wintergreen lifesavers in the past several hours, my tastebuds are a bit tainted. And...I've had to give up on the toast now. It was choking me. Very depressing. It tasted pretty good. Maybe I'll just eat the melted peanut butter off it.

Did I mention earlier that I weighed myself today? Well, I did. And assuming there's not a huge discrepancy between my scale and the scale at the doctor's office (which I visited at the end of May), supposedly I've lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 27 lbs. Except for the fact that my denim shorts are extremely baggy now, you can't really tell, I don't think. Still. Weight loss is good for me. Granted, I'd rather go about it using my own willpower and not because for several weeks eating has been difficult. But still.

I'm going back to licking the peanut butter off this piece of toast (aren't you glad I shared that with you?) Maybe I'll go to bed soon. I'm still deciding.

I Feel So

Life is very frustrating at times.
When I went to work this afternoon, I felt fine. Amazingly. I even commented on it out loud to myself in the car on the way there. I felt FINE. And I was especially happy since I had virtually no problems today (again, aside from waking up feeling icky.) I got to work early, sat in the kitchen and read my book for a little bit, and then went out to work. Things were going ok for a little bit, and then I started getting this weird feeling in my stomach. I waited a bit and then left the desk to go over to the restroom. I was not panicking.
After I left the bathroom I stopped to talk with Ms Lynn for a moment, since she was sitting in her office. I told her apparently my stomach was a little upset but I thought I was doing pretty well. Then I left the workroom, started to head back up to the desk, and...threw up. A little. In my mouth (sorry for being gross, but I'm still pretty shocked...I like, NEVER throw up). I was taken very much by surprise. I paused, then went up to the desk and asked to speak with my boss, and I told her what happened. I told her I wanted to stay, and we decided I'd go ahead and take my break (really early) and see if I got any better. I tried...I stayed calm...and it happened again. We talked some more and I told her I was feeling worse but I didn't want to get in trouble about sick time and I was going to try to stay. I went back up to the desk, got a cart of stuff to shelve, and went over to put away some fiction. I got maybe six books shelved when I had to run back over to the bathroom and I got sick four more times. I still wasn't having a panic attack, though (weird, huh?) But I felt soooo bad. And not at all like this was the end of my issues. I went back to talk to my boss (who was about to go home) and ended up coming home early. I feel disgusting and I don't know why. It bothers me. I'm really, really angry because I did MY part and stayed calm, and I still feel like I screwed up somehow. I feel so gross. I would consider going back up to work but I've still got some issues...I just don't know. I'm really upset. I feel like I've let people down, even though this was obviously something I have no control over.
I have to go to the doctor in the morning because if I don't get a doctor's note showing that I am at least attempting to do something about this stuff, my job could be in jeopardy, I guess. I don't even care anymore. I hate going to the doctor but I actually want to go. I want to feel better. I want to get some medicine that will work (my insurance denied me the opportunity to get the reflux medicine that I have had the most success with, and after a few months on the less-helpful one, I have a feeling it's not working anymore and that's a source of some of my problems). I won't be able to get much accomplished: the people at Urgent Care won't give me anything for my anxiety because they don't know my history, and they can't do a whole lot for my stomach/esophagus issues- for that I will have to go see a specialist. Ugh. But at least I can get my doctor's note, and maybe get something temporary to help me out with my stomach issues.

I am going to go lie back down and read some more. My stomach has started doing flip flops again and for whatever reason I have an earache...this is just dumb. I'd like to build a time machine and fast forward a month or two and see if I'm feeling any better. Because let me tell you, I am so tired of all this. Really. I have been having some sort of issue or another since March. I'm exhausted- from everything. I just want to get better.

Tonight, tonight...

I am scared of going to work.

I have come to this conclusion because I've been fine all day (except this morning, but I know what that was about.) After I woke up, my throat was still sore, but I had some pancakes for lunch a little before 11 a.m. I was fine. Then later I fixed myself a grilled cheese (I burned it on one side so I only ate half) and ate a brownie. I was fine. Of course, now that it's almost time for me to go to work, I feel disgusting. My tummy is sloshy (for no reason, since I've barely had anything to drink today and haven't been eating any ice chips) and I'm anxious. I am working on my Bible verses, though. Hopefully the car ride to work will be ok. That is key. If I get worked up in the car, not only is it a bummer, but I will feel really bad when I get to work, and it will take longer to calm down. But if I can stay calm in the car, I will have minimal issues when I actually get to work. Like on Monday. The car ride was calm, I went in to work and sat in the kitchen for a little bit and then ten minutes before I had to start working, I went over to the bathroom. I was kind of anxious but my Bible verse memorization helped A LOT. Then about forty five minutes into work, I had to go visit the bathroom again, but after that I was fine. I got a lot done (I shelved a lot and straightened everything in the back room) and the evening went by fairly quickly. This is what I am praying for tonight: smooth travel to work, enough time to chill out if I need to, then things to keep me busy for the rest of the night. No freaking out, no thinking I'm going to be sick, etc.

12 minutes until I have to leave. I will probably be praying the whole time.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2

Shake your body down to the ground

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He is my rock and my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2 (New International Jessi Version)

This is the only Bible verse I have memorized from my little book. I keep saying it over and over. I am really tired of waking up feeling gross. I think it's because my throat is a little sore from allergies, etc. And then I probably sleep with my mouth open. So then I wake up, the back of my throat completely dry and achy, and the rest of my mouth pretty dry too, and it feels so much like something is poking my soft palate back there and making me want to gag. I do sleep with water beside the bed, but that doesn't help. This morning I jerked awake before 6:30, hopped up and rummaged through my bag (beside my bed) for a cough drop, hoping this would do a better job than my Lifesavers had done previous mornings. I couldn't find the gigantic bag of cough drops, though. So I got up, shuffled to the kitchen and got some ice. After a stop at the bathroom, I was back looking for the stupid cough drops. I finally found some. It's taken a lot less time for me to calm down this morning, but this cough drop is seriously nasty and I'm probably going to ditch it in a minute. I just wanted to come here first and express my frustrations with yet again being woken up earlier than I wanted to be because I feel disgusting. I will try to go back to sleep in a few minutes. My fingers feel tired (they are slurring their words a little) so I won't stay on here, typing. I'll probably check the news or something before I go back to bed because I'm not ready to sleep yet.

Don't stop til you get enough

Well...today went by fast. Guess what? I got nothing accomplished. Big surprise.
Today I woke up kind of early and felt icky...I think I might have already covered that, though. And I went back to sleep until after 10 a.m., which was kind of nice. Then I got up and made brownies, which we were supposed to take to Bible study tonight. Except when mom came home for lunch she got kind of sick. So we didn't go.
After brownies I read until the Michael Jackson memorial came on TV, and after that, I read some more. I finished my book. I should be reading stuff for school but I decided to read the Harry Potter series again. I started with the last one and read that over the weekend, and then from last night to about...twenty minutes ago, I read the sixth one. I may or may not read the fifth one next...I kind of want to, but then again, it's one of my least favorite books. Don't get me wrong, they're all groundbreaking and fantastic, but Harry is such a whiner in book 5. It's annoying.
I'm hoping that next week I will be able to go see the new movie, though.
Tomorrow I work, in the evening, with someone I don't know. We are having a sub come in from another branch. Hopefully everything will go fine. Yesterday I went to work early and things went OK. I felt kind of nasty for probably the first half hour I was working. I plan on going early again tomorrow, and hopefully it will be as successful as it was on Monday. I don't work with Jess for the rest of the week, though, and that's a bit of a bummer. She's quite understanding and I'm pretty sure she doesn't get mad at me when I don't feel well...but I digress.
Tonight was the last night of Bible study, and while I am sort of glad that we didn't go, I am also a little sad, too. I liked this study more than the last one we did, and I was unhappy about the circumstances under which I missed evenings prior to tonight. Oh, well. Hopefully I will be able to do another one sometime. Probably not until next year, though, because I will be in school during the fall. Supposedly. I think I am going to try to take all online classes, which should reduce some of my stress, and I'll still be "enrolled" full time. I still need to make a visit to the school, though, to finalize everything. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to go to JCC, which is a local community college, because it is so darn cheap. It's amazing. It's like, 7% if the cost of my school. And the credits will transfer over. I can take some generic history and political science courses to fulfill some of my electives for a degree at Bellarmine, or U of L. If I get my degree from the latter, I don't have to take as many credit hours. It'll be a long process (I'm not in any real hurry) but I will eventually get it all done. I mean, I'm not in a hurry to get my degree because I don't need it for work, and also over the past few semesters it's become more and more difficult for me to keep up with a full-time courseload. It won't do me any good if I get really bad grades in the classes, so I might as well take fewer of them at a time and make good grades so I get the credit I need.
I think I'm done babbling for the evening. Brandon is working through the night again, for whatever reason (I'm not happy about it) and so I will probably just read until I'm ready to go to bed. I might see him tomorrow...I hope I do, since he sounded a little down today and I know he works on Thursday. On the other hand, he really needs to sleep. We will have to wait and see what happens.

Sooooo tired.

I'd just like to announce that I'm really tired of waking up feeling like I'm going to be sick. This isn't exactly a new development. Even before I started having all these issues with my anxiety again, there were often mornings when I just didn't feel like eating and would just have some ice water for breakfast. But this is ridiculous, and it's really been rather intense for the past several days. I know it's the sinus drainage- if I concentrate, I can feel it (I don't know why my allergies are so bad this summer, but they are! And it's all drainage. I don't even get the opportunity to blow my nose. Which is dumb.) It's extremely unpleasant though. I woke up much earlier than I intended to, and now I'm just getting to the point where I could lay back down and maybe get a little more sleep, but now it's the time I would have normally woken up. Isn't that lame? Yes. The answer is yes.
I am soooo sleepy. I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night but I was too tired to do anything (like read.) I woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night but I fell right back to sleep. And then I was in the middle of a really interesting dream when I woke up this last time. I tried to go back to sleep but the urge to gag was just too much. So I got up, went to the bathroom, got myself some ice to chew on, made it back to my room, and after some trying, I was able to get a Benadryl down. Hopefully that will help. It will probably make me sleepy again. But unfortunately I can't sleep the day away...I do have things to do (apparently I have to make brownies. Either that or I imagined Mom coming in and telling me to...) We will see if I get anything done today, though.
The dogs are waiting for me to come back to bed. The house is quiet now because everyone who was awake is napping. Even though they were running around the house making the birds scream about half an hour ago, Diego is on the foot of my bed curled up in a ball asleep, Elwood has stretched out and is asleep with his head on my pillows, and Polo is under the covers. Asleep. Ivan is in the living room sleeping, and Wolfie...is still asleep, in Jonathan's room. I don't know where the cat is but he's probably asleep, too. I wish I was.

It's really warm in my room.

I have to leave for work in a little while (less than half an hour) and I'm not particularly looking forward to it. I've had an ok day, but last week didn't go so smoothly. I got fussed at or had to deal with particularly difficult people every day that I worked, with one exception. Then there was the issue with my boss at the end of last week. And I think I work with her tonight. I've been having some mild issues today, and I have what I think is a pretty legitimate concern that the stress of last week combined with my issues may cause...issues. I don't think that sentence made sense. I guess I mean that the anxiety-prone part of my brain is saying "last week wasn't good, so you have a great reason to be afraid of going to work tonight". I don't want to be, but things aren't that simple. I can tell myself over and over, for hours on end, that there is no reason to be anxious about something, and I can explain away whatever unsavory feelings I might be having, but I still might have issues. Then again, things might be fine. I'm praying for the latter, since even though I've eaten almost-normal meals today, I've done pretty well. A little upset stomach after eating what for me qualifies as a full-sized meal now (though that might have just been a side dish a month or two ago) is much better than feeling nauseous and getting panicky after, say, having a little too much water to drink in a day (that's happened.)

Meanwhile, I have accomplished NOTHING today. I didn't really have any plans, but I still feel like I haven't done anything and the day has zoomed right along. I woke up later than planned because mom had said the night before I needed to move my car in the morning, but she ended up moving it. So I woke up after 9 a.m. instead of around 7. I dealt with the usual upset stomach for about an hour, ate some breakfast, and read a little. I played video games for about twenty minutes sometime around lunch, but stopped because...I don't even remember now. I think it had something to do with my stomach, though (I had a baked potato for lunch and I was full.) Brandon's been working today, so I haven't heard much from him. Oh, I did get one thing done. I sent an email to this magazine company that has been sending me magazines lately. I just got a second issue in the mail today, and it included an insert that said something like "since you are a subscriber, you can get this other magazine for less!" Well, I'm not a subscriber. I went to their website and typed in the little account number above my address on the label, and for my account info, it says I'm "ACTIVE PAID". Uh, no. I am not. I have not ordered a magazine subscription, nor have I paid for one. So I went to their little customer service form and told them that I had basically never even heard of the magazine before, much less ordered a subscription of it. Even though the form said "provide a detailed description of your problem here", and I wasn't all that detailed, I got a "your message is too lengthy" notice after the first three times I tried to submit it. Hopefully it will get straightened out. Since I never ordered the stupid thing...

And now it is even closer to time to leave (fifteen minutes now!) I am going to go to work a little early in case I need to visit the restroom so I don't *inconvenience* anyone (the sound you hear is me grumbling....) Hopefully everything will go well.

Blah.

I feel a little puke-ish. Well, not really. But still. I'm uncomfortable.
I went to church with Brandon today, and the drive over there was a little iffy, and I had some rough patches during church, but things turned out ok. We watched "Eraser" (I don't know why, other than it's a movie we hadn't seen) and a few episodes of Joan of Arcadia on DVD. I find it amusing that Brandon actually likes the show. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was really good for the two seasons it was on (well...the first season was really good. The second one was only "pretty good".) But still. It doesn't take place in outer space, there are no robots or reptiles that are experts in martial arts.
Then I came home. And I actually ate dinner (the fact that I didn't have anything to eat all day except three crackers with cheese on them probably helped some.) I might have eaten too fast. Or maybe I had too much water. But now I'm pretty uncomfortable. I'm kind of hoping that I'm hungry again in a few hours because mom made this lovely strawberry jello pretzel thing which I like very much, and I would like to have some tonight. We will have to wait and see.
Tomorrow night I work. Very exciting....*sigh*. I feel like I want to take a vacation. Even though I had a long weekend. Sometimes it's just nice to have some time off from work. And I'm pretty much not going to get any of that until right before the wedding. Six months from now.
Anyway, Tuesday I am off, so that's nice. It's the last night of Bible study and I am pretty much looking forward to going. We are having a potluck thing and sometimes I don't like being around food. I'm sure things will be fine, though.
And....that's about all I've got. Wow, that was boring. Sorry. I just felt like writing something since my stomach was kind of being weird. I might be back later, but hopefully I won't have any reason to do so.

Job! Maybe?

I just found an entry level actuarial position on a career search website with a certain company in Louisville that shall not be mentioned. This is basically the job we have been looking for for Brandon. Now is the time to start praying- without ceasing- that this will work out. He's working right now but I'm tempted to call him and tell him to go home early and apply for this job. In the description it says it's entry level, and that no exams are required to get the job. It's...perfect. Full time, everything. I'm hoping no one else finds the job posting so no one else will apply for it...anyway. Pray, please. This job thing is really important, and like I said, this one is basically exactly what we've been looking for for the past few months!

Happy Fourth, Y'all

I personally will be celebrating this great nation by watching the following video over and over and over again.

Fridays should be better, especially when they start off a long weekend

This morning has been pretty dumb so far. After the SECOND TIME I blogged last night, I got to feeling bad AGAIN. There was a lot of slightly frantic praying involved, and then about a half an hour of counting my blessings. Out loud. Because sometimes that's the only way it feels like it counts. Then I fell asleep sometime after 1 a.m. Well, I figured Brandon was going to come over today so I set my alarm and I guess I must have turned it off instead of hitting the snooze button because I didn't wake up until mom came in to ask me a question at a quarter after nine. As soon as I woke up, I felt weird. Not bad, just weird. But weird enough to be an annoyance to me. THEN my stomach started hurting, and it still does. Which is the main reason this morning has been dumb. Also, it's almost 10:330, Brandon slept late (so did I, though) and so he's coming over later than I thought. And I still have lots to do today, like laundry and vacuuming and straightening my room. And I'm probably supposed to clean the bathroom too...hmm. I don't know.

So here's to hoping that my stomach gets its act together and stops grumbling so much. I took some medicine but it was kind of difficult because I'm having a little trouble swallowing this morning. Hopefully today will be nice and calm and peaceful.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Sometimes I don't understand what's going on with my own person.
I came home from work shortly after nine, fixed myself "dinner" (the last leftover biscuit from whatever everyone else had, with some strawberry preserves). I came to my room, sat at the computer, and ate. And I stayed on the computer until almost 11 o'clock. I felt fine. No problems whatsoever. No Lifesavers, no gum, no ice chewing. I even found myself thinking about food, and how nice it would be to have a snack! Wow. What a feeling of normalcy. I didn't have one, of course. I was too busy being on the computer. And we didn't have what I wanted (some cheddar cheese and Barbecue Baked Lay's potato chips) so it didn't matter.
Then I realize it's getting late, and I'd better be getting ready for bed. For some reason my stomach starts to act a little funny. Or maybe it's not my stomach, maybe it's in my head. I have a hard time differentiating sometimes. It's getting closer and closer to time for Brandon to get off work (he got off at 11:30) and by the time the phone rings I'm a little worked up. I think it's because my throat feels weird. It's reminding me of how I felt earlier today, and how unpleasant that was (even though it only lasted like, ten minutes!) So I can't talk when Brandon calls, I tell him to call me back in a little while. I sit on my bed (can't lie down- reflux. Ugh.) with a glass of ice chips, muttering my Bible verses under my breath while I try to reach for my little book of verses on the night stand. Sometimes when I don't feel well I don't like to move very much. Like when I used to hold my breath to walk down the hall when I was little and I felt bad? I think for some reason not breathing while doing something made it seem like I wasn't doing that thing. I don't know. It was weird. But I digress.
I just got done having a conversation with God about how good He has been to me lately, making me feel a little better every day. I told Him how much I appreciated the fact that most of the issues I have had over the past few days have only lasted a few minutes, including the problems I had earlier when we were leaving the movie theater. I reminded myself that I felt the exact same way then as I do now, and nothing came of it. There's nothing to be afraid of. So your stomach's a little upset. It'll calm down. It always does. I thanked God for showing me the right verses to copy down in my little notebook, and told Him I was trying really hard to "remember His benefits", as we learned in our Bible study last week. And the next thing I knew, the scariest stuff had past. Sure, I still have reflux, and my stomach still feels weird, but I don't feel so...lost. I think lost is a good word to describe how I feel when I am having anxiety issues, because I feel very confused and also I don't know where I'm going (figuratively speaking- I don't know what's going to happen next).
The whole point of this post is to say "I don't know where that came from but I didn't like it and I'm trying to keep it from coming back again, therefore here I sit. At the computer desk. Typing."
I'm still praying, because I still feel weird and I don't want those ugly anxious feelings to resurface. I'm still praying because I am so thankful for all my Deliverer has done for me lately. And I'm still praying because I feel the need to remind Him to please keep up the good work.
Now I really should try to go to sleep. Well...I'm still waiting for Brandon to call, actually. So I will rearrange my pillows to minimize the acid reflux discomfort and continue munching on my ice chips until the phone rings. Maybe by then my Benadryl will have kicked in (allergies!!!) and I can get some sleep.

Thursday, Thursday....

Today...........was good. I guess.
How's that for an affirmative answer to a question nobody asked?

So I just remembered last night that Brandon wanted us to go to see Transformers today, and then forgot about it, and then remembered again this morning when I called him. I don't know why, but I guess some weird part of my brain didn't want to go sit in the movie theater, so I got pretty anxious about it. Like, really. But I calmed down, particularly after he said that the first showing wasn't until after 11 o'clock. So I went over to his house and we watched Joan of Arcadia some more, and I think I dozed off for about half an hour because next thing I know, Brandon's got to hurry and eat lunch so we can get to the theater.

The movie was pretty good. I wouldn't give it five stars, like Brandon made me rate it on NetFlix, but I don't think it was as bad as the majority of the reviews made it out to be. It was loud, but a fun kind of loud. Some of the dialogue was cheesy, the main human characters were kind of zombie-like, and it did sort of feel like two movies rolled into one. But it was still good. I had a relatively good time. While we were there I ate three M&M's...I don't know why but I didn't really feel like eating today, so those M&M's were the first thing I had to eat all day (at like, 1:30 p.m.) And then my stomach kind of got upset almost at the end of the movie and I was feeling kind of bad (in an "it's all in my head" kind of way) on the way back to Brandon's. I got home just fine, ate the four leftover chicken nuggets I had from Tuesday night, and took a 25-minute nap.

Then came work.

Work went fine, but my tummy was a bit upset when I got there. Probably because I had eaten. So, I was up at the desk for almost ten minutes, and had to leave to go visit the restroom. I wasn't back there that long. Like, six minutes. But like I said, my stomach was being weird. When I came out of the bathroom my boss was waiting for me, and let's just say that we had a brief, mildly upsetting conversation because she thought I was back there the whole time I was supposed to have been working (it was now 15 minutes into my work shift. Which yeah, that would have been a long bathroom break....). She didn't yell at me but did pretty much say that I should count that as at least part of my break time because it was an inconvenience to the other people working. I hate confrontation. She wasn't mean about it or anything, but still. So despite the fact that I was basically feeling ok when I walked out of the back room (where the restroom is), after this I felt really bad. But I went up to the desk and toughed it out until she and some of the other people left (I felt really REALLY gross by now) and then went back over to the bathroom to cry for a moment or two (I checked the clock- it was really like, three minutes. Hmph.) I hate feeling like I got in trouble. Even though I didn't...and I totally understand what she was saying, and she probably wouldn't have said it if she had been watching the clock like I was. Plus, it's not like I go over to the bathroom and, I don't know, read magazines. Ew. I had a reason for being there, you know? And I wasn't having fun or anything...I know it's an inconvenience for the other people who were working to continue working for six minutes while I was away from the desk, but you know what? I'm inconvenienced, too. I'm inconvenienced because, for a variety of ever-changing reasons, I haven't slept a full night since March. I'm inconvenienced because I'm hardly able to eat anything most of the time. I'm inconvenienced because I spent the last two or three weeks basically in a form of prison because of my panic attacks. And I'm inconvenienced because things aren't quite as good as I want them to be yet (still getting better every day, though. I am grateful for that.) So yeah. I was kind of bothered for quite a while at work. Not mad, just bothered. And my feelings were a little hurt, too. But the rest of the evening went really well. It was actually really calm in the library tonight (pretty shocking for a summer evening). Despite the fact that someone dumped a huge amount of donations in the bookdrops outside (they aren't supposed to do that) and we had to deal with a strange lady who later called to talk to someone else about the exact same thing Jess and I went over with her forty minutes earlier, the evening went very smoothly. That makes me happy.

Now I'm off for the weekend, which is pretty cool. I don't normally work on Fridays, Saturday we are closed, so I worked the rest of my hours earlier this week. Tomorrow I have a lot to do in the areas of cleaning and laundry, and Kelli is supposed to probably maybe come over tomorrow to visit. I might get to see Brandon, too, but I don't know yet. He hasn't called back and I've been home for...a while now. I didn't think he was working tonight but maybe I was wrong. I'm getting pretty sleepy, though. He'd better call soon, or I won't hear the phone because of this noisy fan in my room. It's hot in here. If I turn the fan off, I will like, steam myself in my sleep. Like some broccoli. Wearing pajamas. If I leave the fan on, I can't hear anything. I have to set the alarm on my phone AND my alarm clock to get up in the morning, and even then sometimes I don't hear it until it has been ringing for five minutes. It's a very serious dilemma, you know...

Further ramblings

Yesterday went surprisingly well. I mean, work went fine (I think I mentioned that) and any ickiness I felt prior to going to Bible study was basically all nerves. I went, I had a few iffy moments but things went very well. I left feeling quite pleased with myself. We even stopped at McDonald's on the way home and I ate six chicken nuggets. Go, me.

Then there was last night. I wasn't feeling *bad*, really, but I started having problems with my teeth right about the time I was ready to go to bed. Have I told you about my teeth? No? Ok. Well, on the left side of my mouth I apparently have a few cavities. I don't know where they came from, but I have one in a bottom molar and then issues with a top molar. They ache at different times, mostly, but last night they randomly decided to start hurting at the same time. On top of that, my wisdom teeth have sloooooooowly been growing in since I was in the 11th grade. That's like, what, four years ago? Well, the one that has been pushing through a little more lately is on the left side of my mouth. On the bottom. Pretty darn near where that likely cavity cuprit is. So last night, at about 11 o'clock, the left side of my mouth suddenly started hurting very badly. Bad enough that it was too distracting to go to sleep. I got up and found some Orajel (which I hate, so you know I had to be feeling bad to use that stuff) and basically covered like, the entire left side of my mouth with it. A few seconds of glorious numbness, and POW. Pain. Lots of it. Maybe worse than before. So I got up (again) and found an ice pack in the freezer, wrapped it in a Christmas-themed dish towel (details are important), and placed it between my cheek and the pillow. I drifted off to sleep (thanks in part to the two Benadryl I had taken before bed). And....woke up half an hour crying. I don't remember starting to cry, so I think I started in my sleep, then woke up. Because the pain was so bad. It kind of felt like I was shot in the face. Or at least that's what I told mom when she called me on my cell phone after about ten minutes of crying. I guess Jonathan called her because I was being noisy, I don't know. I didn't think I was that loud. I took some ibuprofen, readjusted my ice pack, and cried myself to sleep (how dramatic).

Then this morning, of course, I didn't want to wake up. I went from having my alarm set for seven, to eight, to nine, to getting up and going back to bed until nine thirty. I have been so sleeeeeepy lately that it's ridiculous (well, maybe not so much when you consider I haven't slept a full night since mid-March). Today went fairly well. I didn't have any major issues, or even any minor ones, but I wasn't really able to eat. Mom brought me some scrambled eggs and toast for lunch but I ate about half what she brought me (which meant I ate about one egg, and a half a piece of toast). Then I had trouble swallowing. So later, I decided to try to finish this chicken sandwich I brought home yesterday, and three bites in, I couldn't swallow. And that's all I had until about 7 pm, when at work I decided I really had to eat something whether I wanted to or not, and had most of a single-serving cup of applesauce. Which proceeded to sit rather unpleasantly on top of the air bubble of hunger (and gum-chewing) that had formed somewhere in between my chest and my stomach. Ugh. Aside from that, though, and fifteen minutes of extreme unpleasantness upon my arrival, work went really well tonight. So I get home and think "you know, I really am hungry..." and fix myself the last of the chicken salad that was in the refrigerator (a sandwich's worth). I ate half of it. I tried to eat more (I really wanted this chicken salad) but it didn't work out too well...hmm.

We will have to see how this evening goes, since I'm pretty full and also terribly thirsty. I keep drinking water but it's not cooperating too well with my reflux, which can be unpleasant, and that can lead to some nervousness, as well (it sounds stupid but hey, that's the way I'm working right now.) Tomorrow I am supposed to go to Brandon's again, and I'm looking forward to that, I hope it goes as splendidly as it did Monday. But without the feeling nasty once I get to work part. I work with my good buddy Jess tomorrow night and that does make me feel better. Then after that I'm off for the weekend, since we are closed on Saturday for the holiday. Very exciting.