Oops.

Oh, and by the way, my dear fiance has to work from 8 o'clock this evening until like, 4:30 in the morning. Which is both ridiculous and insane. I don't know why they are making him do this, and I'm not happy about it. So a prayer request this evening is that he will not collapse and die of exhaustion, basically. Also that he gets a *real* job soon. A better one. Preferably of the actuarial persuasion, where they don't make you work in the middle of the night. And also one that provides insurance since apparently he doesn't have any right now....

And I still don't know about Bible study.

I don't know.

I'm having trouble deciding whether or not to go to Bible study tonight. Work today went extremely well, but I had issues last night and woke up a few times in the middle of the night not feeling well. I honestly don't know what to do. My mom is teaching tonight and I'd like to be there for her, plus it'd be nice to go. But I just don't know. If I stay home I might work myself into a tizzy, too....but if I go tonight we have to go early because mom has some meeting thing.

I don't know. Honestly. I can't make a decision. And I've been thinking about it for a few hours now. The more I think about it, I start feeling a little icky. Hmph. It's annoying.

I stopped and got some food on the way home from work, too, and couldn't eat much. I don't know what that means. I didn't eat this morning and literally only had three bites of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 11:30. I got off work at two-ish and didn't sit down to eat until about 2:30. You'd think I'd be starving. I thought I WAS starving. But I ate maybe a third of a sandwich and a couple of cheesy tots and couldn't eat any more, so I put the rest in the fridge.

I still don't know what to do. It's only two hours, except we'd have to get there early. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. *sigh*

Only four hours.

I'm pretty close to having a panic attack. I have to leave for work in ten minutes. This is compounding my feelings of ickiness, as I think I am afraid of freaking out in the car, or as soon as I go to work.
I'm pretty sure I know where the bad feelings are coming from. I think I forgot to take my reflux medicine this morning. My blood sugar is a little off. I chose to eat about an hour and a half ago (most of a little thing of applesauce and a few teddy grahams- big deal). And I have to go to work. I've been drinking a lot of water, which is kind of cold, and the applesauce was kind of cold, and sometimes when I have cold liquids (applesauce counts) it aggravates my reflux. I have a very unpleasant feeling that everything I have consumed today is sitting somewhere near my chest. Blech. I just need to calm down about it. I tried to eat a saltine cracker, hoping that would help, but it didn't work out. It's just unpleasant. It normally wouldn't be a big deal, but like I have said repeatedly lately, I am kind of on edge, anxiety-wise.
I'm starting to feel a little better but I'm still pretty shaky and worried about work. It's only four hours. I just need to keep telling myself that. Only four hours. I spent more time than that at Brandon's yesterday and I was fine. Only four hours.

Is it nap time yet?

I have not posted in two days. Woohoo! Ok. Yesterday went pretty well, I had a few shaky spots during the day at work but did really well. The only time I called mom, actually, was when I was at lunch, I think. And today went fairly beautifully. Maybe it was because I didn't eat much (that made my blood sugar wonky but I fixed that easily with a half a banana). I don't know, but it was good. I felt fairly awesome. Or normal, anyway. I spent about six hours at Brandon's with virtually no problems, came home, and decided to eat dinner. I didn't eat that much compared to the dinner last night. Actually, comparing today with yesterday, yesterday I probably ate three times more than I've eaten today. Maybe more than that, but whatever. The point is....I feel pretty bad right now. I stopped eating dinner because I started having trouble swallowing again, and have been trying to relax ever since. About twenty minutes ago things started getting kind of worse. If I focus, and really concentrate and think about it, I can come to the understanding that my stomach actually feels fine. It doesn't hurt. It's a combination of this weird feeling in my throat, and feeling a little bit full, and jittery nerves. Which is dumb, I know. So I'm sitting here eating the few ice chips I was able to get out of the ice maker (someone stole all the ice....grr...), glancing over my little book of Bible verses I've been putting together. I tried watching TV, reading a book, cleaning out a desk drawer....nothing was distracting enough. So here I sit, blogging my problems. It helps some. It might be the involvement of typing, it might just be the fact that I'm getting this out there. I don't know, but I appreciate the little bit of relief. It's a little bit after 8, so not much longer until I can go to bed. I slept like a very sleepy thing last night (what a change...) and hopefully will do so again this evening.

Tomorrow Brandon's expecting me to come over and watch a movie or two. I have no idea what we're going to watch, or what time I will get over there. I don't work until 5, so I've got the free time, but depending on how tonight goes, I might not really feel up to going over there. If only this evening could have gone as smoothly as the rest of the day, I'd have a lot more confidence in my ability to do stuff tomorrow. Oh well.



"O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief." Psalm 143:1

"When I said, 'my foot is slipping', your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:18-19

"Rescue me and deliver me in Your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress." Psalm 71:2-3

"Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:7-8

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" Psalm 56:3-4

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in You, my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed." Psalm 57:1

"But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice." Psalm 55:16-17

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22

"In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame, deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ears to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me." Psalm 31:1-2

"Praise be to the Lord, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped." Psalm 28:7

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

"I always wanted to do music that influences and inspires each generation. Lets face it, who wants mortality?"

Some of the best Michael Jackson songs. Enjoy. (And most came from his YouTube channel and they won't allow embedding. So the links are on here.)






Smooth Criminal

Will You Be There

Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

Black or White

Billie Jean

Thriller


And, even though that horrible person Iman is in it....Remember the Time. It makes me laugh. (Personally I don't think it's a very good song though.)

"Music has been my outlet, my gift to all of the lovers in this world. Through it — my music, I know I will live forever."
-Michael Jackson, Ebony Magazine, December 2007

Guess what? It's late. That's what.

I hadn't planned on posting tonight because I planned on being asleep. When I got home from work I was able to eat a little bit and then kind of freaked myself out. But I fought it off though. I worked on copying Bible verses into this teeny tiny notebook I plan on carrying with me. That made me feel a lot better. Then I asked mom for some medicine to help me sleep and took two Tylenol PM. Guess what. They are not working. It has been more than an hour and I am not sleepy. Well, I am, but not any more so than I was earlier in the day. And now my tummy is acting up. I don't know if it's because it's the same time I've had issues the past two nights, or if it's because of what I ate, or because of allergies, or because I'm depressed about Michael Jackson. Maybe a little of everything. But you know that kind of nauseous feeling you can get after you cry a lot and all sorts of slimy things make their way to your tummy instead of a Kleenex? It kind of feels like that. I'm trying to not let it get to me.

Tonight my dear friend Jess is at the hospital with her fiance Erik. Apparently early Wednesday morning he drove himself to the hospital and found out he had appendicitis, so he waited a few hours until closer to wake up time for everyone and told them. Except Jess had her phone turned off. So when she gets up she has a voicemail from him saying he's having his appendix taken out. It didn't make her very happy. It wouldn't make me very happy either. So he had his surgery and is apparently in a lot of pain, and should have been allowed to come home today but the doctors decided to keep him a little longer. So Jess is spending the night in one of those special hospital recliners tonight. I have a feeling she isn't sleeping much, and the poor thing has to work tomorrow. Plus she was supposed to have her engagement photos taken this weekend and I have a feeling that won't happen. I feel really bad for her and if you could please say a prayer for both her and Erik I'm sure she'd appreciate it. Hopefully he will get to go home tomorrow, and hopefully she will get some sleep tonight and feel ok about leaving him tomorrow when she goes to work.

You know, I think if Brandon called me in the middle of the night when my phone was off to say that he was having an internal organ removed (particularly one so volatile as the appendix) I would probably beat him. But this is precisely why I don't turn off my phone when I go to sleep. Well, not precisely. It's actually because a.) I'm pretty paranoid about something happening and me not being able to call/receive calls from anyone, and b.) I'm too tired. Brandon turns off his phone, though, and I hate that. It's bothersome.

OK I'm starting to ramble so maybe I should try to go to sleep. Again. Maybe it will work this time. Perhaps I should find another Adventures in Odyssey cd...

This evening.

Things I have done since shortly after 11 pm to try to calm down because I have a scratchy throat and I'm really stupid and somehow irrationally think that means I'm going to throw up or something:
*Watched two minutes of the Daily Show
*Listened to two and a half episodes of Adventures in Odyssey
*Got more crushed ice
*Petted Polo for a while
*Read my Bible verses
*Sang a David Crowder song. Quite shakily, I might add.
*Played the game on my phone for a few minutes
*Got up several times for various reasons
*Consumed four lifesavers
*Tried some deep breathing
*Called Brandon. Was told he is "busy" at a quarter til midnight. Heard some talking in the background and was informed that I made him "die". He is playing video games.
*Hung up on Brandon
*Called Brandon back. Told him I already tried reading my Bible verses.
*Got more ice
*Looked for some cough drops
*Found bottle of narcotic cough syrup in the back of the cabinet from the last time I was sick. Decide this would be perfect: would solve issue of sore throat AND calm me down. Perfect, right?
*Have second thoughts, decide in my nervousness to clear it with mom. It is now midnight.
*Start saying "mom?" "Mom?" from bottom of steps
*Carefully make my way to the top of the steps. Say "mom" some more.
*Turn on light in stairwell, hoping this will bother the dogs, waking them up, thus waking up mom. Doesn't work.
*Say "Mom" about a dozen more times
*Push open the door a little. Now saying "mom" more frequently. Realizing this is really dumb just to get some cough syrup but by now I'm too upset to care.
*Finally wake mom up. She says she's not mad (or at least she won't admit to being mad). But I wouldn't blame her if she was. I'd be mad. And frustrated. I hope if I ever have children they don't inherit my issues. And not just because I don't want to be woken up in the middle of the night. I think that comes with the "mom" territory.

It's after twelve thirty now. I feel better but not ready to go to sleep. Switched to slightly less dramatic Adventures in Odyssey disc, hoping it would be more effective in helping me sleep.

In my last blog entry I mentioned something about hating feeling like a little kid again, what with these anxiety issues. I feel the need to mention that when I was small, I listened to Adventures in Odyssey tapes (and later CDs) to help me sleep. Also Jungle Jam. Jonathan did too, and there's nothing to be ashamed about having to listen to something to fall asleep. I mean, every night I have the TV on when I fall asleep. But it's just like adding a little sprinkling of insult to injury: "Jessi, this is Life speaking. Here, for several weeks you are going to have to feel out of control of your semi-sane mind. You will do all those dumb things you did when you were little and you felt bad, like holding your breath when you walk across the room and being a general nuisance. And just for fun, the TV will no longer be of any assistance in the sleep department. You will now resort to listening to children's radio programs." What's next? Footie pajamas? Baby teeth? *Gasp* Blond hair?! Oh, heavens.

It's almost one now. I'm supposed to get up a little after six so I can try to choke down some breakfast before Brandon comes over (before nine) to visit me for a little while before mom goes to work. I'm not so sure I'll want to get up. But then again, I thought that about this morning and I ended up freaking myself out at 615 this morning and not falling back asleep for like, forever. I thought I wouldn't want to get up early this morning, either. It was easy getting up and hard going back to sleep.

Ok I think I'm done now. We're almost finished with round one of Adventures in Odyssey: The Sleepy Years. I think that means it's time to go.

Lifesavers are giving me cavities.

I am here to tell you how stupid anxiety is.

I have a hard time remembering a time when I wasn't dealing with anxiety. I know when I was little, I felt "sick" a lot, and scared my parents talking about how my stomach hurt all the time. Even though it really didn't. It was hard to explain. It still is. I remember staying up late with my parents, them asking me what was wrong over and over. I remember being really scared a lot. I remember going to see a psychiatrist a few times. His name was Dr. Bob and I'm pretty sure his office was near the zoo. We talked about horses. That's all I really remember. Anyway. I guess someone figured out what was wrong with me between fourth and fifth grades, because that's when I started taking medicine for panic attacks and General Anxiety Disorder. In some ways I think it helped, because I remember the days I forgot to take it were pretty ugly. But in other ways it didn't, because I got really depressed as I went into middle school. I still called home a lot (talking to mom helps calm me down), basically every day. I still sucked on peppermints or Altoids when I got to feeling bad (today it's wintergreen Lifesavers. I don't know why this helps, either). And I stopped taking that medicine sophomore year, I guess. Maybe at this point it was doing more harm than good. Now doctors won't prescribe Paxil to kids and teenagers because it makes them worse in a lot of ways. But I digress. By the time I stopped taking the medicine I was pretty good at handling things on my own (though I still kept Altoids with me and still called mom sometimes). All in all, real, true panic attacks were few and far between. I had some issues with my stomach senior year and started having a few more but it wasn't bad. Feeling sick to my stomach- or anything that reminds me of throwing up, even sometimes a weird tickle at the back of my throat- is my panic trigger. I am that scared of throwing up. If I'm in a stressful situation, my stomach hurts, and that's what brings on the anxiety. But for the past several years, if I've had an issue, I've gotten better in a few days. I might have some trouble going back to the place where I had the panic attack, like work or school or Target, but if I can get through one day in that place I'm usually good.

Usually.

Around three weeks ago I started taking some new medicine for something completely unrelated to anxiety and it seems that this new medicine may be playing tricks on my system. Apparently it can cause heightened anxiety in patients with the disorder. I did not know this going in. So like I said, three or four weekends ago I got this stomachache at work. It was a Saturday. I came home, and the stomachache persisted. That Sunday was a bad day- I had a panic attack or two and the stomach issues continued. For a week I didn't eat much but ice chips and Lifesavers. Even with restricting my diet (I didn't feel like eating anything anyway) I was still having issues. That Thursday I had a tiny bit of applesauce a few hours before going to work. I got myself all worked up in the car on the way over (munching ice chips out of a thermos) and when I got inside I just lost it. I was out at the desk for about a minute and a half before I went over to the staff bathroom and just freaked out for like, twenty five minutes. I called mom. I had her call the desk to tell them that I wasn't feeling well, because I think I was afraid of what they were thinking. I ended up going home as soon as I was able to calm down enough to drive. It was really embarrassing and upsetting, but I started feeling better when I got home (did I mention that this was also the week I had to leave early from Bible study because I freaked out? Because I did.)
I'm doing some better now. Some. I have a few good days, where work goes pretty smoothly (I still take my ice, and also a backup container of ice for when mine melts, and a little wristlet bag thing filled with Lifesavers and Tums and teddy grahams and Bible verses.) When I go to Brandon's I usually have some sort of issue, usually lasting a few minutes, and then I'm ok. But I'm not as "better" as I want to be. Or, in my mind, as better as I should be. I'm usually over all this by now. It's been weeks. When I started writing this post I was having a panic attack. Why, you ask? Because I ate half a sandwich and then my throat felt weird. And then when I tried to take some medicine it was hard to swallow. I calmed down just enough to start crying because I am so sick and tired of this whole thing, and of course that just made things worse. Apparently typing is therapeutic, though, or at least a really good distraction because I'm feeling pretty good now. But I wasn't just a few minutes ago. And I'm still worried. I'm worried about going to work tomorrow, because things are kind of hectic and it's easier for me to get frazzled under those conditions (that happened Monday). I'm worried because yesterday I had some rough patches and today I had some rough patches and that's two days in a row. I'm worried because even though I may be feeling ok, I spend an awful lot of time thinking about how to get out of doing things. Like, I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. Because of what might happen. I don't want to leave the house, really. I ordered stamps online the other day, for goodness sake. It's ridiculous. And I'm worried because I think part of me thinks I might be headed down a road of another five years of not being able to control this part of myself. I don't want to be sick for five years. I don't want to be afraid for five years. I don't want to go on my honeymoon in seven months or whatever and have to go hide in a bathroom somewhere so I can do deep breathing and try desperately to calm down. That wouldn't work too well, anyway, there's so many people at Disney World. I'm just...scared. About everything.

Anyway. All this is to say that I am sick and tired of feeling this way, it's exhausting and time consuming and a real pain. Literally and figuratively. It's stupid and I hate it. I want to be better. I want to know why I'm not better already. At this point I'm so fed up that I'm pretty sure I'd welcome medication again, even though it makes you feel like a soulless robot with no will to live. Maybe that was just Paxil, though. I don't know. If you think of it, I'd appreciate prayer. I need all the help I can get. I need peace. I need to be able to go places without worrying if I'll be able to leave, just in case something happens. In fact, the best thing that could happen is if I just forget the last few weeks. If I can forget I've been having these issues, they'd stop happening. But that's kind of impossible. It's not like that little memory eraser thing from Men in Black really exists.

I'm pretty sure that the people around me, my family, Brandon, and my coworkers, could probably use some prayer, too. For patience and understanding. Those things are really important.

I guess I'd better stop now, since I'm crying again. This is really lame. I might try to go to sleep. Brandon's working until after midnight so I don't really have anyone to talk to. He'll call me when he gets off. I doubt I'll be asleep by then, anyway.

I love toy trains!!!!! hahaha.

Last night was like, the funniest night ever. You know why? Because me and Kelli got to go see Joel McHale. Star of The Soup. Which is pretty much our favorite show.
Kelli got the tickets for my birthday which was awesome, and so last night we headed downtown to the Louisville Palace. The theater was incredible and I would have loved to get pictures of the lobby, the actual theater, etc., but when I turned my camera on, the battery light was orange, and I wanted to be sure I was able to take pics at the meet and greet after the show.
We had great seats. We were almost on the end of the aisle (one seat between us and the aisle, which stayed empty until right before the show, unfortunately). Twenty rows back, or so. The opening act got started like, fifteen minutes late. I didn't think he was very funny. Maybe that's because I was still pretty distracted by my nerves, and maybe it was because he used so much profanity. But I've seen the guy's show ("Web Soup", a non-funny spinoff of The Soup that shows on G4 and contains all these viral videos from like, 4 years ago that VH1 already had on their show WebJunk 20. But I digress). I was pretty disturbed when he announced that he was on this show on Nickelodeon that Brandon's brothers like to watch, Back to the Barnyard. Anyway. Then we had an intermission, which was a bummer, and then Joel came out. It was very exciting as we are huge fans of his and think he is basically the funniest thing on TV. His show was great! I don't want him to leave The Soup, but he really should do more stand-up shows. This seems to be a fairly new thing, or at least they've only been promoting the shows on The Soup this year or so. Anyway. For the first half of the set, he talked about the show a lot, and Ryan Seacrest and the Kardashians and all the people they've made mad on the show (which was really funny). He talked about Louisville a little, and how he say the name of our city like we're too tired to finish the word. He mentioned the UK Wildcats and most of the crowd went crazy, but when someone in the front row shouted something about the U of L Cardinals, he basically hadn't heard of them. Then he asked if they were any good, and of course, most of the crowd said no. Ha! He also said it was pretty dumb that we don't have any professional sports here since we make all the bats for major league baseball, and suggested that we stop giving them bats until they give us a team.
For the second part of the show, Joel talked about his family. This, I think, was the funniest stuff, which shows that he is hilarious without leaning on material from the show. And...his kid is weird. Hilarious but very weird. The stories about his son were some of the best.
After the show ended we went out into the lobby and formed a line for autographs. I had heard that Joel was really great about meeting the fans, but I had no idea he'd be so friendly and gracious. He made sure he had basically a mini-conversation with each person that came up to the table, and even took pictures, which is something most celebrities are not too fond of, I think. I'm sure he was very tired but he didn't complain at all. When he was stepping away from the table to take pictures with the couple in front of us, he turned to me and Kelli and said "the line ends here, sorry". And then he came back to talk to us. He asked our names and shook our hands and asked if we were best friends, and I told him that yes, Kelli was the best best friend because the ticket to the show was my birthday present. He asked if I had just turned 13. And he signed our stuff (ticket stubs and t-shirts, which we originally hadn't planned on getting signed but whatever, we didn't care at this point) and talked to us a little more. And then he took pictures with each of us, made us promise to watch his new show this fall, and said thanks for coming and he'd see us soon. It was so sweet! I was very impressed, and quite a bit starstruck. I can't really remember meeting that many famous people, and it was super cool to get to meet someone of whom I am such a big fan. He said he'd be back in Louisville in ten years or so, but I hope it's sooner than that.
And after getting a tiny bit lost , traveling down a road that ended rather abruptly with no warning at a train track not marked by any kind of signage, and sealing ourselves in the car with the alarm set, I finally got home around midnight. Didn't fall asleep until 1, and of course now I'm pretty tired and I have to go to work. Oh well. I will come home and go to bed early tonight to make up for it.

Watch!

Hey! Check out this beautiful interview Jon Stewart with Mike Huckabee on last night's Daily Show. This is how discussions about ALL issues should be. Common ground is important and notice how civil and thoughtful the discussion was while neither side gave up any of their most important principles. This is the extended interview (it's longer than the edited one that was shown on the show).

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Mike Huckabee Extended Interview Pt. 1
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Mike Huckabee Extended Interview Pt. 2
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Mike Huckabee Extended Interview Pt. 3
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Why bother with titles?

Have you ever had one of those days when you just feel weird? Today is one of those days. It started out fine, and I did get some stuff done, but I sort of have a headache. I'm sort of tired. I start to do something and don't feel like doing it anymore. I don't know if I want to be asleep or awake, busy or lazy. I honestly can't tell if I'm hungry (or maybe I just don't want lasagna. I don't know.) It's weird and bothersome. I wish it would go away, since it's almost seven and I still have stuff to do before tomorrow (work! ick!)

So, how have wedding things been going, you ask? Well, pretty good I suppose. I didn't mention that like, more than a month ago, Mammaw took me to order my bridal shoes, did I? Well, we did, and they came in last week, I think. My dress came in the day before yesterday (exciting!) Also I ordered Brandon's wedding ring (it was on sale- go, me) and it came in today. And I ordered my toasting flutes and cake knife set a few weeks ago and they came in this week. Mammaw ordered me this matching bud vase and a picture frame at the same time and they are apparently in, though I haven't seen them. Here are some pictures of things:

+
The Shoes (which are sparkier in person)...

The bridesmaid's dress(es), from Alfred Angelo...

The picture frame, vase, etc. They have Cinderella's castle and coaches on them, and are adorable.

blech.

I have to leave for work in approximately eight minutes.
This is kind of stressful. You see, over the last week and a half or so (maybe longer than that) I have been having some issues. It started with an upset stomach. Well, tummy issues are what triggers my panic attacks. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal but apparently all the medicine I have been taking lately for other things has thrown my system out of whack and now, for whatever reason, I am especially prone to anxiety. For a week straight I had at least one panic attack per day. Not good. Last Tuesday I had to leave Bible study early because I was feeling sick and freaking out. Thursday I did ok, until right before I left for work. I got all worked up in the car on the way over, then as soon as I walked in had a massive panic attack and stayed in the staff bathroom for almost half an hour. Then I went home. Friday I couldn't leave the house. It's been ugly.
So then came Saturday, and I had to work all day long. I did ok. Actually mom says I did really well. There were a few rough patches when I had to be up at the desk by myself, but I got through it. Sunday morning went just lovely, then Sunday afternoon, I let my nerves get the best of me and left Brandon's in a tizzy. So now I'm afraid of what's going to happen at work tonight. And although I've been feeling perfectly normal all day today, about ten minutes ago my stomach started to get upset and my breathing is getting a little shallow. I am doing my best to stay calm. I would really appreciate your prayers, though. I can't keep living like this. The medicine I am taking is doing wonders for me in some areas but the anxiety is just bad. I hate it. I hate feeling like this and I hate the way I act when I have panic attacks. It's embarassing. But anyway. I need all the prayer I can get.
Now I just have two minutes before I have to leave. I have a thermos full of crushed ice (90% of my diet the past week) and some Bible verses on an index card in my pocket. Please, let tonight go well. Also tomorrow, as it's Bible study, and I know that at least at first I'm going to have a rough time there, because of what happened last week.